People I Know: My Wife

Dedicated educator. Loving wife. Frustrated puggle wrangler. Iconic woman. These are phrases I regularly use to describe my wife Lauren.

I was lucky enough to catch up with Lauren during one of her rare moments of relaxation, between grading papers and catching up on favorite shows from our DVR.  She was stuck sitting in front of our computer enduring the long drawn out process of updating her iTunes.  I made use of that captive, vulnerable moment in order to ask my wife the following questions and snag my first interview for this new section of my blog, People I Know.  The interview began somewhat distant, perhaps because I shanghaied her when she was least expecting it, and she wasn’t a fan of my impromptu interviewing technique.  Eventually however Lauren seemed to relax and really gave some insight into the life of this amazing woman.

Joshua: I just want to say first of all, that I’m glad I could sit you down here today Lauren.

Lauren: Why thank you, thank you sir.

Joshua: And second of all, I’d like to just say before we get into the questions that I love you very much.

Lauren: I love you.

Joshua: Ok, question one.  Where did you get your shirt from? It’s grey and has what looks like, water color flowers seemingly painted on it in a Japanese type of artistic style.

Lauren: Kohls. I got it from Kohls.

Joshua: And how much of your wardrobe would you say is from Kohls?

Lauren: 50%

Joshua: 50% ?!?

Lauren: Easily, yeah.

Joshua: Where do you buy your puggle’s clothes?

Lauren: Mostly Petsmart, but that one time we got that one outfit from Pets Pajamas.  It was really cute and expensive, but unfortunately it was too small, so we gave it to our friends Jeff and Mandy, who have a smaller dog.

Joshua: So would you say that Petsmart is the Kohls equivalent for pets?

Lauren: On the contrary, I would say that Kohls is the Petsmart for people.

Joshua: That’s actually a pretty good comparison.  There’s a whole lot of stuff at Kohls that you don’t really think about.  It’s more than just clothes.

Lauren: Yes.

Joshua: Here’s another question.  Who’s your favorite Ninja Turtle?

Lauren: Michelangelo.

Joshua: And why is that?

Lauren: Orange.

Joshua: Fair enough.  Now, if you had to describe yourself in just seven words or less, and I’ll give you a second to think about it, how would you describe yourself.

Lauren: The TLC album Crazy, Sexy, Cool.  That’s it.  That’s all I need.

Joshua: Ha ha! I like that!  Yes.  Ok now how much time do we have for your iTunes update?

Lauren: (laughing) 34 minutes!  Please don’t interview me for 34 minutes!

Joshua: Sum up for us, what you do.

Lauren: Like right now what I’m doing?

Joshua: What do you do?

Lauren: What do I do? Like on the planet, or you want to know what I do for a job?

Joshua: What . . . do you do?  Paragraph, roughly.

Lauren: Here’s what I do with my life.  Of my waking hours 25-30 percent of my time is spent caring for my physical appearance and the appearance of my house as well as feeding myself and other people who happen into my home.  Food is really the number one thing that I think about and spend time on I have to say.  So about 30% of my day is all of that.  I spend a lot of time guiding young minds, much of my best guiding happens when I’m not actually doing my standard teaching.  I would say that I spend a good 10-15 percent of my time repeating myself for the benefit of those same young minds.  I think about the future a lot, I plan ways to horde my money, and I evaluate a lot during my day.

Joshua: What types of things do you evaluate?

Lauren: Did I do a good job on my lesson? Was dinner ok? Are we saving enough for retirement? Will I have enough gas money? What would taste good in two hours when I want a snack? Was the snack I made what I really wanted?  Do I look ok in this outfit?  Am I getting big chunky love handles, and how do I get rid of them?  Did I do a good job of buying pants that hide them?  Those things.

Joshua:  And my last question for you is this.  As an educator there’s a lot of education talk in the media these days and some heavy debate about teachers.  What do you think are some of the best fictional portrayals of educators in media.  Movies, television, fictional teachers.  Who are some of your favorites?  Top 5.

Lauren: I sort of hate fictional teachers. Though I really like Mr. Hand from Fast Times at Ridgemont High.  Everyone always says Robin Williams in Dead Poets Society, but I don’t give a crap.  Mr. Holland’s Opus, he was a good educator.  Also I often refer to that movie as Mr. Holland’s Anus on a regular basis, so that’s always a good one.  But in all honesty I don’t really pay a lot of attention to, or enjoy watching, teachers in movies.

Joshua: What about Mr. Kotter, from Welcome Back, Kotter?

Lauren: I never saw it.  But you know who I do like? Miss Lippy from Billy Madison!  Because some days I want to send the children outside to play dodgeball while I stay inside and spread paste on my face and do interpretive dance.  That’s all.

Joshua:  So just three fictional teachers?

Lauren: Yeah, and that wasn’t even a very good list.  If you gave me some time maybe I could come up with some better ones.

Joshua: No.  No time.

Lauren: That’s it.

Joshua: Alright, well I’d like to thank you for this time and I hope that your iTunes updates happen in a prompt fashion, that they don’t time out on you, and that in 29 minutes you’re listening to some good tunes.

Lauren: Thank you.

Joshua: Any final words?

Lauren:  Thrombosis.

Joshua: And that is all!