Is This A Post About Squirrels? Yes.

I know that there are a great many homeowners out there who dislike squirrels.  As a child I recall my own father hijacking my BB gun in order to pelt the arboreal rodents with a hail of BB fire in order to deter them from getting under our aluminum siding.  It didn’t really work of course.  That particular BB gun wasn’t really powerful enough to do significant damage at any distance further than three feet.  I’m sure those squirrels weren’t happy with the stinging bite of brass that harassed them, but they also weren’t really smart enough to correlate that pain with their attempts to live under our siding.  However that BB gun sat by the backdoor that entire summer, ready for action at the first sight of pesky varmints.  And that entire summer squirrels continued to try and pry back that loose aluminum until finally it was repaired, thus solving the problem and ending the crusade against the squirrels.

My wife Lauren and I have heard similar stories from friends and people we know who have had their own troubles with the bushy tailed acorn eaters, and as home owners ourselves it’s a problem we hope we never have to deal with.  For us squirrels have been a great source of entertainment throughout our relationship.  During our courting years I recall taking long walks around the neighborhood or hikes through the local parks and occasionally stopping to watch the antics of a group of scurrying squirrels.  When we were in college I remember one particular visit Lauren made to Rio Grande where we walked around the campus and came upon a small baby squirrel.  The little guy was doubtlessly scared and as he did his best to clamber up the nearest tree with his tiny squirrel hands he looked over his shoulder at us, raised his little tail, and pissed in our direction.  Whether it was out of fear, or to deter our chasing him, it was a delight!  Nowadays we enjoy watching the squirrels of our own backyard.  The frisky frolicking of spring time and the ridiculous manner in which squirrels pat the ground when burying their acorns in the fall, we are continuously finding the little bastards amusing.  Of course on occasion I have been forced to bludgeon to death half dead, semi paralyzed, squirrels who were not quite fast enough to outrun the great huntress Maple, our female puggle.  I have an efficient system for this though.  Using what I like to call my “Kill’n Shovel” I am able to end their mangled suffering with a quick whack and then make another pass to scoop them up and deposit them in a trash bag.

What I’d like to see is an in depth animal documentary about the typical neighborhood animals of the American Mid-West.  I want one of those nest view cameras in place in a squirrel bungalow in order to see just what they do up there.  I want to see how the crows and squirrels battle it out for tree space.  I want to know the daily struggles of chipmunks, and the dangers of feral cats.  I’d like to learn just how much of a threat hawks are to neighborhood rodents.  I want to validate my theories that raccoons have created a sewer based Shangri-La and built a society and economy based on banana peels and fish heads.  If nothing else, though, the squirrels.  I want to know more about the squirrels.  It just seems to me that there is a very interesting subject there just waiting to be put on film.  Oh, and the documentary should be narrated by Eric Idle.  Yeah, I think that would be perfect.  Mull that over.

Now someone write a letter to Animal Planet or Discovery Channel or whatever and get this going.

That is all!

Puggle Profiles

It occurred to me that I now have over 50 some posts on this blog and yet I have not once written about my dogs!  What about your wife? You might ask, well she can talk for herself, the dogs can not.  My lovely wife did contribute to my Oscar picks post a few months back, and I’ve been working on some other ideas for a collaborative topic we could work on together but she is a busy woman where as I have nothing better to do at the moment.

The two puggles in their terrifying halloween costumes

We have two puggles (that’s half pug half beagle for those who might not be down with the half-breed lingo) and they keep us regularly entertained with their shenanigans.  I decided the best way to introduce the world to my dogs is to write up some quick file cards for them, you know all the pertinent details and information which might be found in some secret data vault somewhere, or used by secret spies in their dossiers of notorious figures.  So without further ado, let’s crack open the secret puggle files and see what threats they pose to the international community!

Maple on the hunt . . . for people food

NAME: Maple Zombina Witsaman

AGE: 5 years

SEX: Female

WEIGHT: 25 lbs.

BIO:  Maple is the eldest of the pair of puggles in the house and undeniably the leader of the pack.  Maple enjoys her leisure time and is more than willing to spend a day sprawled out on any cushioned surface.  Her laid back nature should not be taken at face value however.  An athletic hound, Maple enjoys the outdoors and her long naps seem to super charge her energy levels.  At a moments notice Maple is ready to embark on extensive walks or to perform some serious sniffing around in the backyard.  Of the two puggles Maple is the most blood thirsty.  She views the small woodland creatures that reside in her backyard as godless intruders infringing on her liberty and she has been known to take drastic measures to push back against these wild things that dare show themselves in her presence.  To date Maple has a known kill count of 3, and her bloodlust doesn’t seem to have yet been quelled.  Though Maple enjoys regular playtimes and canine socialization, she prefers the company of people and will more often than not try to lounge with her human family members rather than Falkor or other dogs.

CODENAME: B-Grr, Kenny Doggins, Tiny Dog

SPECIALITIES: Sleeping, hunting, seek and destroy missions, chew toy demolitions






"Puppy dog eyes" is Falkor's only expression.

NAME: Falkor Keanu Witsaman

AGE: 2 years

SEX: Male

WEIGHT: 23 lbs.

BIO:    Falkor is the youngest of the puggle pair and still has a great deal to learn about the world, thanks to Maple he is learning several life lessons the hard way.  Falkor is young, playful, and energetic.  If there is any opportunity to play Falkor will dive right in.  His constant prodding and goading often gets on the nerves of Maple, who generally wishes only to sleep.  When he does manage to agitate his comrade enough it usually erupts into a wild bout of chasing and barking throughout the house.  Falkor is not the brightest dog, and more than once his wild running and determined tail chasing have lead him straight into a wall.  Though Falkor is often curious he finds many new objects to be frightening and approaches them with measured caution.  Not gifted with the same instincts as Maple, Falkor has no interest in hunting and killing rodents he is more of a pacifist who prefers playful wrestling and chewing on animals of the plush variety.  Falkor is very friendly and enjoys meeting new and different dogs when he visits the dog park he literally has to be dragged away from the rest of the pack when it comes time to leave.  Though generally sweet and calm there was an incident early on when Falkor accidentally nearly bit through his master’s thumb as he overeagerly chomped down on a treat.  Just further proof that though puggles can look cuddly and cute, they should not be dealt with lightly.

CODENAME: B-boi, Dum Dum, Lee Min

SPECIALTIES: Rope tugging, bone chewing, evasion expert, poop eating






So there you are those are my two ferocious puggles and as a bonus I leave you with this video I put together of one of their epic chase sessions!

That is all!